


Last Year This Time

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Character Death, Widower Lucifer, seriously this is just pure pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 12:36:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6424483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas had always been Sam's favorite time of the year...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Year This Time

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [那年今日](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6598780) by [wymooose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wymooose/pseuds/wymooose)



Lucifer looks out of the window, ignoring the guests behind him in the living room. His focus is on the outside, a world of gray darkness. There was not a single snowflake this year, which is kind of depressing. Sam loved snow and without snow everything feels even more empty. Last year this time it was snowing and they were outside, laughing and throwing the cold snow at each others faces.

Sighing, not able to stand this picture anymore, he turns around. This is supposed to be a party, but it isn’t really a party at all, he knows it. They are celebrating a day that lost its meaning for him and yet he cannot force himself to throw them all out, to burn the Christmas tree down as he wants to. Because this is what Sam loved most about this time of the year; and as much as it hurts, Lucifer can’t forget it.

“Hey, bro. How are you doing?” Gabriel asks, an arm draped around Lucifer’s shoulder.

“I’m fine, really.” He says and forces himself to smile. Gabriel knows nothing is fine, but Lucifer doesn’t want to talk about it, the wound still too fresh to even begin healing.

“Talk to me sometime, will you?”

Lucifer just looks at Gabriel, who understands him without words. One day, maybe. But today is not that day and tomorrow won’t be either. Gabriel leaves his brother alone, joining Balthazar and Castiel on the other side of the room, and Lucifer sighs.

All of this isn’t fair. Sam should be here, laughing and hugging him from behind. Sam should have placed the star on top of the tree, not Lucifer. Sam should have wrapped the presents, not him. Sam should lecture everyone about the origins of Christmas, not no one. Tonight, when he will lay down in the darkness, he will miss him even more, he knows it. At night it’s always the worst.

A small glance over at Dean shows Lucifer that he’s about to get drunk within the next hour. If only he could get drunk too, it might ease the agony that has taken over his life. Why he made the effort to organize this event and decorate everything himself, he doesn’t even know. All he knows is that Sam would have done it and he did it for him, wherever he might be now. It would have made him happy.

Lucifer just wants to scream forever, but not even the strength to do that is left in him. He can almost see Sam, sitting next to the tree and unwrapping the gifts Lucifer got him, a smile on his face so bright that it could have melted everyone’s heart, including his own. Not a single time he was able to wait patiently until it was time, always looking over at the tree nervously, until Lucifer finally nodded and he rushed over to it, ripping the gifts open like a child.

How can all of this not be wrong? They only had so little time, not knowing how suddenly it would all end. No matter how often Lucifer tried to tell himself that he should have seen it coming, that he should have been ready for it; he never could believe it. He was never ready, wouldn’t have been in two hundred years. Losing Sam like this, leaving him alone in this world, even with everyone around him, it was the worst torture he could imagine. Not even the cage came close to this pain.

Hours later, when everyone is gone, not without many more condolences and useless phrases, Lucifer sits next to the tree, trying his best to swallow back the tears that are building up in his eyes. Only one present under the tree is real, the others are just a masquerade like everything else he did. Lucifer pulls it out and holds it in his hands, feeling the weight this little box has in his hands. Sam bought it, many months ago. Shortly before everything turned to ashes he had bought this and even wrapped it up, knowing that he would give it to Lucifer for Christmas. But he never had the chance.

Lucifer carefully unwraps the box, making sure to not damage the paper in the process. It’s stupid, he knows it, but it feels wrong destroying something Sam touched, no matter what it is. When he opens the small box the tears start falling, he just can’t hold them back anymore. It’s such a stupid thing, really, but Sam knew that Lucifer would love it. He doesn’t know why he’s crying about a little plastic toy that makes cow sounds when you turn it upside down, but he does and there is no way to stop it.

His hand closed around the little gift Lucifer stands up and wipes the tears away, only for them to come right back. He can’t stand this room anymore, needs some air or he will explode completely. Slowly he walks outside and on the terrace he sits down, just crying.

Last year this time they sat here together, a blanket wrapped around them to keep the cold away, and watched the snow falling from the sky. He can still remember Sam’s smile, warm and happy, and hates the world around him. He wants Sam back, anything else he just doesn’t care about. Why is he still alive while the one who enjoyed living so much is gone?

Lucifer doesn’t know how long he sits there, his face buried in his arms, begging for this pain to end finally. Without Sam everything is a nightmare, a gray and lonely one. And he can’t do anything to make it better, that’s the worst thing.

Suddenly he feels something cold touching his hand and slowly lifts his head. A little drop of water, a snowflake that is melting on his skin. He looks up at the sky, blinking the last of his tears away. Up there everything is filled with white dots, thick and heavy snowflakes falling down. Slowly he stands up and holds out a hand to feel them melting. More than ever before now he wishes Sam could be with him again, could see all this and give him one of his wonderful smiles that always made him feel home somehow.

“Merry Christmas, Sam.” Lucifer whispers and faces the dark sky, a faint smile on his face.

Around him the wind starts howling at his words and he closes his eyes, trying to convince himself that Sam did this, that this is his way of saying that he heard him. If only he could believe this was true.


End file.
